What is Relational Aggression?
Relational aggression is real…and it hurts!
Relational aggression is the use of exclusionary and/or hurtful behaviors to undermine another person’s self-esteem or group status, causing harm to relationships.
Relational aggression peaks in late elementary and middle school years and is especially prevalent among females. During these years, relationships are central to a girl’s individual identity and therefore relational aggression can leave deep and sometimes lasting wounds.
The Strong Moms, Strong Girls program was created to decrease the incidence of relational aggression by increasing community awareness and available resources.
SMSG provides girls with the tools needed to navigate conflict constructively, allowing them to form strong healthy friendships and peer support. SMSG also provides mothers/caretakers, community educators and mentors with the knowledge and tools they need in order to help these young women meet this social challenge.
Common Questions
What are examples of relational agression?
Relational Aggression is defined as “the intent to harm another through the exploitation of a relationship” (Remillard & Lamb, 2005 p. 221) through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion (Simmons 2002). It is often indirect, thus avoiding confrontation, but can be highly damaging to a girl’s self-esteem or social status (Mikel Brown, 2005, Simmons, 2002).
Examples of relational aggression (RA) “include ignoring someone to punish them or get one’s way, excluding someone socially for revenge, using negative body language or facial expressions, sabotaging someone else’s relationships or threatening to end a relationship unless the friend agrees to a request” (Simmons, 2002, p21). It also includes gossiping, spreading rumors, name calling, and sharing secrets (Mikel Brown, 2005). RA occurs in person and on screen via e-mail, text messaging, blogs, YouTube, and social networking websites.
How common is it?
In a study examining prevalence and types of relational aggression of middle and high school girls, all 98 of the female participants reported at least one recent incident of victimization through relational aggression. Twenty-nine participants reported aggressive acts of exclusion or ignoring; Forty-four percent reported gossiping and spreading rumors as acts of relational aggression, and 10% of respondents reported telling of secrets occurred with intent of damaging relationship (Remillard & Lamb, 2005, p. 225).
What about fighting?
Girls also engage in more direct and physical forms of aggression. Relational aggression is more covert and thus harder to identify and address. Because it is both far more prevalent among girls, especially those in middle school, has lasting consequences in girls’ lives, and frequently flies under the radar, it is the focus of this work.
Isn’t RA normal?
Some people say that relational aggression is just “girls being girls” and is thus a normal part of adolescent development. Some theorists maintain relational aggression is part of a normative development curve for preadolescent and adolescent girls. They argue that it likely serves several important developmental functions including helping adolescent females form a strong identity to specific group, increasing self-esteem by belonging to a group in which she takes pride, and behaving in a manner thought to strengthen and protect the integrity of this group (Underwood et al. 2001). Others postulate that there are some positive outcomes of relational aggression including the idea that gossiping may assist in developing group solidarity, enhance group cohesion, define group norms, communicate social morays, help solve interpersonal and self-discovery issues. They claim that RA helps the target develop a greater sense of mastery in navigating the ups and downs that characterize interpersonal relationships throughout the lifespan (Remillard & Lamb, 2005).
Despite these justifications, RA is neither normal nor acceptable behavior. It is a learned and socialized behavior which must be challenged. Girls can develop assertive communication skills and participate in relationships in ways that are not detrimental to their well-being. RA affects girls’ self esteem and, for targets, can result in depression, anxiety, isolation, and loneliness. They may avoid school and accumulate many absences, thus affecting their grades. Targets can also be more vulnerable to intrapersonal violence, including dating violence. “Although [relational aggression is] considered indirect in its action, [it] is direct in its effectiveness, and it appears to cause both distress and psychological harm” (Remillard & Lamb, 2005 p. 221).
Aren’t some girls just mean?
Girls are commonly puts into one of two categories: nice girls and means girls, with an assumption that these groups are mutually exclusive. However, all girls and women can and do assume different roles at different times. There are four primary roles in relational aggression.
- Target: someone hurt by RA
- Aggressor: someone who is behaving in a way that makes another person feel hurt or threatened. Aggressors tend to be motivated by fear, insecurity, jealousy, wish to belong, aggression, competitiveness, or a desire for power or status.
- Bystander: someone who is witnessing RA and has a choice about whether to do something (e.g. join in with the aggressor, support the target, or walk away)
- Ally: someone who is being supportive or standing up for someone else (may or may not also be a friend, e.g. see a girl in the lunchroom walking by herself, and you ask her to join you)
Most girls and women have been targets, aggressors, and bystanders at various times in their lives. Fewer have been allies. The Strong Moms Strong Girls program actively seeks to develop more healthy alliances among girls and women.
Why do some girls behave this way?
For some aggressors, RA is a way to establish and maintain social positions or power or to vie for a boy’s attention. However, RA is not simply about popularity. Frequently girls are taught to “be nice”; consequently, they tend to lack the skills to manage conflict appropriately. Instead of using assertive communication to let a friend know that she has done something hurtful or that she needs space from the other, an aggressor will instead ignore or exclude the friend. When girls use hurtful language, it often focuses on how other girls look (fat, ugly), their sexual behavior and orientation (slut, gay), or how they behave (bitch). As girls of this age struggle to establish their own identities and differentiate from their parents, they often police each other to ensure that they conform to the strict and confusing cultural norms for femininity. American culture sends adolescent and preadolescent girls confusing messages about how to be feminine:
- Be sexy, but not sexual
- Be independent, but be attractive to boys
- Be thin in a culture that promotes obesity
- Be tall, white, and blonde in a diverse society
- Be smart, but don’t show off
- Be strong, but not too assertive
By developing positive alliances with adult women, girls can experience other options for expression their identity and their femininity outside such a confining box.
What about boys?
Although all forms of overt and covert acts of aggression are experienced as hurtful for girls and boys, girls tend to perceive relational aggression as more damaging than boys do (Galen & Underwood, 1997 in Remillard & Lamb, 2005). Boys can and do utilize relational aggressions to some extent; selectively excluding others can help both boys and girls increase their social status (Rose, Swenson, & Waller, 2004). Remillard and Lamb (2005) reported relational aggression is more prevalent among preadolescent and adolescent females because girls in this age group tend to place a greater premium on friendships based on similar interests, ability, and appearance than boys. They also make a large investment in close friendships that will increase a sense of interpersonal connectedness and form relationships with higher status female peers. Thus, because adolescent girls’ relationships are defined by a greater degree of interpersonal intimacy than adolescent boys, relational aggression is particularly useful in damaging a girl’s reputation and social status when it involves a conflict with another same-aged peer.
References
- Crick, N.I., & Grotpeter, J. (1995). Relational Aggression, gender, and social-psychological adjustment. Child Development, 66, 710-722.
- Mikel Brown, L. (2003). Girlfighting: Betrayal And Rejection Among Girls.
- Remillard, A.L. & Lamb, S. (2005). Adolescent girls coping with relational aggression. Sex Roles, 53, 221-229.
- Rose, A.M., Swenson, L.A., & Waller, E. (2004). Overt and relational aggression and perceived popularity: Developmental differences in concurrent and prospective relations. Developmental Psychology, 40, 378-387.
- Simmons, R. (2003). Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.
- Underwood, M. (2003). Social Aggression among Girls.
